Off

Just when I thought my body could take no more

No more arrows, no more bruises, no more daggers to the core

I looked up into the black sky and said this: please help me

I’m bleeding out a silent blood, if you’re there, please see

Sometimes, faith is simply having no other option

I smoothed the top sheet on my bed and pulled the comforter over into a neat square

Life was slow and quiet, and I found pleasure in removing, dusting, rearranging, and categorizing the kitchen appliances that filled our huge closet hall

I dreaded the nights

I dreaded the head lights

Quick!  Hit the deck!  Go to your room, turn off the lights

…and pretend you’re asleep

I’m sorry dear

I love you hear?

This can’t be real – are we seriously going to talk about how many potato chips went missing?

Are we really going to discuss the disgust for the umpteenth time?

I quietly slide open the huge glass wall that leads to a private yard where my sad attempt to create a water feature with an old pump and a plastic lion head resides

I can hear the neighbors laughing and playing with their children – sounds of splashing and cold cans of pop and beer cracking

Carefully, slowly, I lay down on my hammock so no one can detect my shadow; I’m invisible for now; I have about 20 minutes until the nicotine wears off — I will be found

My life has become a reflex of defense, like how a county fair horse flicks its tail to swat away flies – its involuntary now

It is so dark, I can’t even see my hand as I hold it up in front of my very own face

Still, I tell myself be still and go through the motions because you’re already in hell            

There’s nowhere but up from here

Lift, pull, walk through the quicksand beneath you

Repeat

Lift, drag, trip into another day

There is no off switch, my heart is still beating — still hoping